Randywanker.com My Resume

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Objective

• I wanna score a job that is cool, but more than anything I don't want yet another shithole job where the people I work with are a bunch of assholes. I wanna find a job where the boss doesn't pick on with me. Someday I'm going to be my own boss and I'm gonna make a lot of money. Once I get all that money I'm going to do cool things like make a riding lawn mower out of a Geo Metro. It will have a 60" cut and you'll be able to mow a lawn so fast it would be funny. I was thinking about it on the shitter last week and it seems that unless I get a tail fan it would just fly up and then start spinning and that would suck. One time I took a ride on the zipper at the fair and I started freaking out. I puked all over the kid sitting next to me and ended up shitting my pants. I was pretty scared. I just read a book that describes how men can have multiple orgasms without ejaculation. I'd want an employer to guarantee that they'll give me some time to practice this because right now I live in a trailer and no one likes to mess where they sleep, you know?

Employment

• Astro Gas Station and Cigarette Distribution Center
  Right at the interection of Greely and Portland Blvd, on the left.
  • Employed: December 2 to December 22 1998
    
  • Responsibilities: I pumped gas, and was supposed to check their oil but I never did because it sucks getting all greasy, and sold cigarettes to motorists and the high school students that waited for the bus there.
    
  • Reason for leaving: I have a feeling that from day one the boss and everyone else had it out for me and that's not fair. Those bastards I worked with told my boss that I was stealing money from the till, then they framed me for it. The boss was picking on me for being late a few times, and got pretty uptight about me showing up with booze on my breath. There's just no way he could have. I hadn't drank anything since I got up and that was at least two hours ago. And he got mad because I sold cigarettes to minors. Well hell, I think that law is bullshit and how else are they going to get smokes? Shit, it seems like a few kids smoking is the least you gotta worry about. Plus he wouldn't let me have time off for Christmas so I can visit my brother. No one treats me that way. He'll get whats coming to him. I'm telling you; that son of a bitch is going to pay.

    I'm still down with some of the kids though. Some of them were really cool and we have kept in touch. I score them beer about once a week and it works out pretty cool. Hell, if their parents aren't going to take an interest in what they do in their spare time someone has to step to the plate.

• Parr Lumber,
  Martin Luther King Blvd, Portland, right hand side.
  • Employed: November 6 to November 22 1998.
  • Responsibilities: I was the guy who took the broken pallets and made them into good, usable ones. And I got the door for the contractors. I swept the parking lot and yard to keep it free of dangerous debris, like wet cardboard, sawdust, and wood chips.
  • Reason for leaving: The boss would ride me about smoking and talking to people walking by on MLK. I felt I was doing Parr a customer service deed by establishing good relations with the public. If you call them they will tell you I made a lewd comment to a customer. Man, that ho is cold fulla shit. She flirted with me, and she started it. My boss was a dork from Vancouver, and no one but dorks live up there. His daughter was foxy and he would get uptight when I'd talk to her. He was infringing upon my constitutional rights be telling me I couldn't smoke in the warehouse because of "fire codes." Thats a bunch of crap. Everyone knows that a cigarette couldn't burn down a whole warehouse. He was an insensitive ass for not letting me have Thanksgiving off to visit my brother. He also claims that he caught me jerking off in the warehouse. I wasn't jerking off. I got a sliver down there and was trying to get it out.

• Burger King,
  Barbur Blvd, Portland, right hand side.
  • Employed: October 20 to November 1 1998
    
  • Responsibilities: Cook and janitorial work. I took the 40 pound frozen hamburger patty box out of the freezer, broke them apart with a screwdriver and a 5 pound ball peen hammer and put them in the cooker conveyor belt. Took the cooked patties and buns (there are two sizes, whopper and regular,) and put them into the appropriate sized bun. Put the assembled burgers into the steamer. It was also my responsibility to clean the tiles on the floor underneath the tables where the Mexicans couldn't reach with their machines. Those guys were cool though.
  • Reason for leaving: I came into work the day after Halloween and a couple pigs were there and they told me I wasn't allowed to go in. The manager came out and gave me my last check and told me I was fired. I asked him what it was all about and he said I came in on Halloween and started screaming and throwing things around and shoved a lady up against the counter. That son of a bitch was lying. I was drinking with Ciccione in N.E. Portland. You can ask him of you want to. I was riding my brother's Huffy (because my car was impounded for a bull shit DWI charge I was framed on.) I don't think there is any way I could have got from N.E. Portland to S.W. Portland on that bike in one night, especially since I was so drunk. He hated me anyhow. I got more dignity than that. So I punched the son of a bitch and the pigs arrested me. That bald headed do gooder punk deserved it. He had to have been lying. He said I was on a blackout. That's a lie. I don't remember ever having a blackout.

• Badgely, N. Portland
  • Employed: December 2 to December 20 1997
    
  • Responsibilities: Cut aluminum slabs into 1 inch pieces, drilled holes into them, and cut off the burrs with this cool little knife. Helped assemble golf bags. Piled pallets into neat stacks.
  • Reason for leaving: My boss, Alan, was a tyrant. He said that I was being "careless with safety" because I was caught jumping off the third tier of the racks in the warehouse into foam rolls I piled on the floor. Well hell, don't you think that as a grown man I can make my own judgements about what is safe and not safe? I started out on the first tier and worked my way up. It was ok and it made everyone laugh. He also got mad because I was skateboarding in the warehouse on this ramp I had made out of spare wood. It wasn't a big ramp, and they weren't doing anything with the wood. As far as the jumping off the racks, it wasn't dangerous. The foam broke my fall. Alan was a geek. He drove a Volkswagen. People who drive VW's are stupid. He got pissed one time when he found me and Jay and Bret getting high in the warehouse. I made a cool fort in the racks on the second tier that three of us could fit into, even though it was really only made for two. See, I made it for this broad that was working in the other side of the plant. Never panned out, though. I told her about it and how I had some rubbers because I am aware of issues related to unsafe sex and she left and never came back. Huh.

    Anyhow, Me and Jay and Bret climbed up there and we were smoking the last of my eighth (from this cool pipe I made out of a can complete with a carb) when all of a sudden half my fort was picked up and taken away by the warehouse forklift driver! I was trippin! Jay was leaning on it and fell and landed on his head. I was so stoned that I just started laughing. Man, that was funny. That guy Jay is one funny guy. He's always doing something stupid and funny.

Education

• Astoria High School
  • They may say I was expelled but that's a lie. I chose to leave school because I didn't like the way I was treated. They said I was skipping school and drinking, but so was everyone else! And people made fun of me because I played Dungeons and Dragons in the library with some fat kids whose names I forget. D&D is a cool game, especially if you make up your own guys. Some chicks got me in trouble with the cops because they saw me running around with no clothes on. Well, it wasn't me, dammit. I never ran around naked on that side of town.

• Chopco Knife Company
  • I went to a one week training course for selling Chopco Knives. Their stuff was cool so I bought a set for myself and then quit. They even had scissors for cutting pennies in half. I learned alot about customer service and marketing techniques and met a hella hot chick. I stared at her tits all week. I asked her out every smoke break but she refused to have a drink with me. At first I thought she was being shy so I pulled my trump card and offered to take her to the Ship in Multnomah, and you know what she said? She said I was a loser and a discusting scumbag. Man, that bitch must have been a lesbian.

Skills

• I am very handy lots of different tools, but after that class I think I've realized that my calling is in sales or customer relations or marketing or something. I'm a people person. I spent a week with my step dad in Arizona and he taught me how to weld. I've become very interested lately in pyrotechnics. Maybe a job starting fires would be cool. Hey, I'm flexible. I just really need to start looking at getting a job because I sort of need to move. The people whose driveway I'm parked in are starting to get uptight about the urine.